By Amanda Schoen
I met Ben on a blind date. He’s a little older than me, never been married, has a baby
face with the early stages of male pattern baldness. I’ve always been a “romantic,” but have had a hard time
finding a decent guy. Now that I’m
35, it seems I have more of a chance getting hit by a bus than getting
married. Sometimes I feel
desperate. It’s why I let my
friends, family, and co-workers try to set me up on top of all the matchmaking
sites. Ben was highly recommended
by my colleague Anne. It was very
chivalrous of Ben to pick me up in his truck for dinner, drinks, and a stroll
along the river.
Walking back to his car, he started to act a little
strange. His sauntering became an
awkward speed walk. His questions
ceased and his answers were suddenly distant: as if something else was on his
mind. I became quiet and
disheartened. Was he already bored
with me? A few more silent moments
passed before he said, “Ah, a bathroom.
Just a moment.” And, he ran
to the park’s public restroom. I
mean, a full speed sprint.
I stood in a city park, by myself, for over a half
hour. It was cold and dark and I
didn’t feel safe there at night.
Another man entered and left the bathroom. I stopped him, “Excuse me, was there someone else in there
with you?”
“Um. Yeah.” He chuckled, “But, I don’t think he’s
coming out of there for a while.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not going to say.
A man’s business in his business.”
And he left. What does that
mean? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN! What could he possibly be doing in
there? I pounded on the door. I knocked more. I yelled, “BEN! ARE YOU OKAY! BEN!” Finally,
he cracked the door open. Half of
his face was hidden. It was sullen
and green. He said, “I’m
sorry. Is there any way you can
get a ride home from someone else?”
“What?” It was late, “Not really. What’s wrong?”
“I’m not feeling good.
You should call a friend or a cab or something. I’ll pay.” Ben avoided eye contact and this went on for a
while. People get sick and I
wanted to comfort him. If I wanted
to be his girlfriend (maybe a wife someday), I needed to show him that I care
and will be there for him. I
talked him out of that restroom like a professional hostage negotiator. That’s when I realized he shit his
pants.
I’m not going to lie.
It was disgusting. His
entire backside was covered. Using
only water and paper towel didn’t clean his khakis. Of all days to run out of soap in a public restroom. The shame he had trying to get to his
car. Almost running, but never
ahead of me. Always facing the
people we passed.
We climbed into his truck. He found an old sweatshirt and sat on it. I heard every rattle of the engine
since we did not speak. The smell
was awful. Like someone ate Thai
food for a month and died. I sat
there in a near panic. I wanted to
roll down the window because I could hardly breathe. But I didn’t want to embarrass him more. I sat stoically. It’s only a ten minute ride. But, it was a long ten minutes. As soon as I stepped out of his truck,
Ben took off with an abrupt “bye.”
Who could blame him?
I thought about our terrible date. I had a good time until he soiled himself. We had a nice dinner and he’s easy to
talk with. Ben and I have quite a
bit in common. Wandering around
the river was pleasant. Who hasn’t
had diarrhea? Seriously, if we
were in a “relationship” I wouldn’t leave him because he got sick. It’s unfortunate it was on our first
date. Not a romantic story to
share with the rest of the girls.
But, you have to take the opportunities life hands you.
A few days later, I called Ben. Actually, I ended up leaving him a voicemail because he never
answered. I said, “I’m happy to
have met you and was hoping to see you again sometime.” A couple of days later, he returned my
calls and “was surprised you called after that experience.” We chatted about a few other things
before we set up our second date.
Thank you for reading and your support. This would not be possible without you!
If you have any questions, comments, suggestions, or anything else, please feel free to contact me at: LukeArchaism@gmail.com