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Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Tommy's Pizza, Can I Help Ya?



“Thank ya fer callin’ Tommy’s Pizza.  This is Luke.  How may I help ya?”  This is the script.  There’s breathing on the other end of the line and the crashing of a car chase on TV.  “Tommy’s Pizza, can I help ya?”

“Uhhh…  Hey…  Ummm…  Is this Tommy’s?”  Seriously, I told you twice after you dialed the number and you have to ask?

“No, this is Wild Bill’s Narcotic Discount Barn.  Would ya like ta hear tonight’s specials?” I reply sarcastically in a poor impression of Larry the Cable Guy. 

“Specials?”  Uhhh…  On What?”

“Buy three tenths of meth ‘n I’ll throw in da fourth fer free.  We also have a deal on an eight-ball of coke if yer interested.”  In the silence are gears grinding in his brain.

“Oh…  Sorry…  Musta called da wrong number.”  So it goes at Tommy’s Pizza.  Of course he called back and we went through some other nonsense.  But, it’s all in fun and the customers know it.  It’s part of the charm.


Tommy’s is some of the best pizza in town.  A collection of cinder blocks and fake wood paneling held together with grease up on 5th Avenue.  There’s a little stage in back for music acts on the weekends and a bar littered with the regular drunks.  The banter is usually light until some intoxicated farmer starts talking politics.  I work here from time-to-time.  Usually just taking orders on busy nights.  Getting cash and food under-the-table.  You know, where you stick all your unwanted gum.

“Tommy’s Pizza.  How can I help ya?”  Warning: I will say this a thousand times tonight.

“Hi…” says a shy voice.  “Is this being recorded?”

“This?  You mean da call?” I started to chuckle.  “No one is recordin’ da call.”

“Sure?”

“At least not da owner.  He’s too cheap ta buy, well, anythin.’  Can’t guarantee anythin’ with da CIA n’ all.”  Privacy is obsolete, right?

“I got that covered.  Okay…” and then proceeds with his standard order seemingly putting a lot of thought into his decisions, “… That will be all.”

“Yer order comes outta $35.79 n’ will be delivered in ‘bout 35-40 minutes.”

“Perfect!” he says losing his shyness.  “And, remember, we never talked.  Okay?”

“Okay...”  I imagine myself in a dark Gitmo interrogation room getting tortured.  As I’m being waterboarded naked I would scream, “I’LL NEVER GIVE UP DA INGREDIENTS HE ORDERED!  NEVER!”  I tell the delivery guy about the spy and he says, “Yeah, dat guy calls all da time.  I have ta leave da pizza on da porch ‘n he pays through da mail slot.”

Anabelle throws open the door to the kitchen mumbling obscenities.  Her eyes are bloodshot with deep purple bags.  The left arm just hangs limp.  In the other hand is a large energy drink with probably enough caffeine to make her heart explode.  Anabelle punches in and slithers up to me, “Where’s da boss?” and I tell her he’s running a quick errand.  “Lemme know when he’s back.  I’m takin’ inventory.” 

An hour passes and the owner is back.  Anabelle’s nowhere to be found.  I give up and go into the fridge to get some toppings.  Lying on the floor, next to the food rack, is Anabelle wearing three delivery boy coats and covering her legs and face with aprons.  I lightly kick her and she groans.  “The boss is back.”  She stirs around a bit.

“He won’t be back here fer a bit.  Lemme sleep some more.”  Eventually, Anabelle wobbles out to the bar, throws some Jager in another energy drink, and starts to flirt with a couple of guys.


An oversized black luxury SUV comes to a screeching halt at the front door.  That jackass realtor from the billboards comes in wearing a fancy suit and doesn’t take his glasses off inside.  He’s twirling his keys and already looking annoyed.  “Can I help ya?” I ask without it really being a question. 

“You can try.”  Anyone who says that social class doesn’t exist in America never worked in food service.  “I wanna medium Italian Special.  Does that come with a free two-liter n’ breadsticks?”

“Sorry, there’s no deal on da specials.”

“Really?  You’ve gotta be kiddin.’  Your competition has that deal.”  I guess you must feel like a real dumbass for coming here instead.

“I apologize.  Would ya like ta order a two-liter n’ breadsticks?”

“No.  I wanna talk with yer manager.”  You want to waste his time too?

“Sorry,” sticking to the script for how to handle assholes, “he’s not available.  Is there an issue?”

“I wanna free two-liter n’ breadsticks.”  Does the squeaky wheel get the grease?

“May I ask who offers that deal?”

“Yeah, it’s Angelo’s Pizza.  Why?”  Bullshit.

“Just a moment, sir.”  I look up a number and make a call.

“Finally, some decent service ‘round here.  You shoulda called yer manager immediately.”  Thanks for the advice, douchebag.

“Hello,” I put the phone on speaker.  It’s strange how a speakerphone can call the attention of everyone in a room.  “This is Angelo’s.  What would ya like ta order?”

“Hey, this is Luke over at Tommy’s Pizza.  Quick questions fer ya.”  Pause for effect, “Do ya have a deal with a free two-liter n’ breadsticks?”

“Uhh…  No.”  Where’s the record scratch?

“Have ya ever had that deal ta yer knowledge?”

“Nope.”  Let the record show the defendant perjured himself.  I rest my case.

“Thanks, you’ve been very helpful.” hanging up the phone with a shit grin, “Okay, sir.  Would ya like ta order a two-liter n’ breadsticks or will da medium pizza be all?”

“Ahh…  Well…” is the snickering around the restaurant distracting?  “That will be it.”

“Okay, that comes outta $16.42.  Ya can take a seat at a table or da bar.  Should be up in ‘bout 10-15 minutes.”  I hand off the order to a kitchen staff member and let them know to make it a “jerkoff surprise.”  What’s in a jerkoff surprise?  Depends on who’s the cook and who’s the customer.  But, generally it’s some kind of piss olive oil, jism dressing, a spit glaze, or shit sausage.  Maybe someone will get creative.  So, be nice to your wait staff.


Anabelle is on a sugar high.  Bugged out eyes and spastic movements.  She looks around to see if anyone notices her.  I do, but she doesn’t notice me.  She throws something on the floor.  She takes a picture.  I watch her do this three or four times and ask, “Whatcha doin’?”

“Shhhh…” looking around all nervous and racing up to me.  “Be quiet.”

“Okay,” I whisper, “what da hell are ya doin’?”

“I’m gittin’ blackmail.”

“Blackmail?  Why?”

“Ya never know.  I keep a ‘shit file’ on all da places I work.  All da fraud n’ corruption goes inta that file.  If they try ta pull shit on me, I have blackmail.”

“So, what are ya collectin’ now?”

“Oh, this is yer usual restaurant stuff: reusing dirty dishes, rodent shit, servin’ rotten meat, and so on.” acting as if this is something everyone does on the worksite.

“Do ya have a lot on Tommy?”


“Are ya kiddin’?  I could own this place,” she presses her body against my side, “sexual harassment, servin’ minors, under reportin’ income, bribin’ county officials, insurance fraud, and…” she takes a few steps back and raises her camera, “Smile…”  *Click*  “I don’t believe da IRS knows yer on da payroll.”  Anabelle, you are my best friend.

The owner comes out of his office and slowly observes the dining room.  A few tables of teenagers and rummies at the bar.  He looks at the kitchen staff.  Talking and leaning against counters.  He stares at Anabelle and smirks.  Then he looks at me, “Luke, wanna head out early?”

“It’s yer call.” I reply.  The owner opens the register and tosses me a wad of cash.

“Grab a large pizza n’ whatever before ya leave,” he starts to make his way back to the office.  Without turning around, “and take Anabelle with ya.”

“No problem.  Thanks!” and I head into the kitchen.  I grab a large crust, spread some sauce, and a little extra cheese (mozzarella with a bit of feta).  A little olive oil.  Cover with flyers (pepperoni), Alpo (sausage), slime (green peppers), onions (stinkers), and banana peppers (monkeys).  One more light layer of cheese to hold everything in place and throw it onto the conveyor belt oven.


While that’s cooking, I grab the phone.  “Hello,” Eleanor answers.  She’s been driving me nuts lately.  Calling me about nothing.  Coming up with dumb projects.  Telling all these stories with no point or ending.

“Tommy’s Pizza.  How can I help ya?”

“What?”

“What would ya like ta order?”  I repeat.  I can keep a straight face through almost anything.

“I didn’t call ya.”

“Listen ma’am,” she hates being called “ma’am,” “we’re busy.  What would ya like ta eat?”  I look over at Anabelle.  What’s she sprinkling on my pizza?  Whatever…

“I don’t want anythin.’  It’s after 11.” 

“Then, why did ya call?”  Have ya been drinkin,’ ma’am?”

“NO!”

“I don’t ‘preciate prank calls, ma’am.  Ya know we have caller ID.”

“What?  Oh…  Hmph…” and then Eleanor hangs up.

Pizza’s done!  I box it up and see a vulture pie (a pizza not worthy of being served) on the counter with screamers (mushrooms) and carp (anchovies).  God, that’s gross, but I grab it anyway.  I have an idea.  Anabelle clocks out and we start for home on a clear, brisk night.

Anabelle is staying at a relative’s near my place.  Eleanor’s is on the way, which is a rundown bungalow.  The yard is splattered with whirligigs, ornaments, and feral cats.  Anabelle knocks on the door since they don’t know each other.  Eleanor looks out the window in her pajamas, flips on the lights, and nervously opens the door.  “Thank ya fer orderin’ Tommy’s International Special.  This pizza features a thick wood-fired pesto crust, Lambda olive oil, heirloom tomato sauce, Matsutake mushrooms, and Cantabria anchovies.  This combination…” and is finally interrupted.

“I didn’t order this!” and slams the door.  Somehow, you could feel her irritation from her turning off the porch lights.

“MA’AM!  MA’AM!”  Anabelle is too good of an actress for her own good.  “I’LL JUST LEAVE DA PIZZA ON DA DOORMAT!  OKAY?  THE BILL IS $435.43!  DON’T WORRY, WE CAN MAIL AN INVOICE!  OKAY?  THAAAAAANK YOOOOOOU!”  She skips down the front steps and down the sidewalk where I was discreetly hidden.  “Whatcha wanna do now?”

“Now?  I’m goin’ home.”  My muscles ache from landscaping in the morning and slinging pizza at night.

“Yer boring.” she pouts, “I’m not goin’ home.  Later.”  She turns around and skips east on Williams Street whistling The Battle Hymn of the Republic.  Into the unknown.


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Thank you for reading and your support.  This would not be possible without you!

If you have any questions, comments, suggestions, or anything else, please feel free to contact me at: LukeArchaism@gmail.com

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Sale Pending

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Just off a very busy highway lined with strip malls, parking lots, and power lines are homes with signs in front-new price, move-in ready, crazy low mortgage, priced to sell.

A white Cape Cod with a matching picket fence.  Great curb appeal.  A three bed, two bath, 1,823 square foot home on a quarter-acre lot.  There’s a two-stall garage, forced-air, central A/C, and all the amenities we have come to expect.  Just put out an open house sign with balloons and we’re all set.

That couple over there is wasting my time.  They’re not here to buy a home.  They’re neighbors comparing this house to theirs.  Hoping their mortgage isn’t underwater.  All they are doing is taking my flyers and wasting my time.

Buyers with dreams twinkling in their eyes.  I’m in my Brioni suit watching and listening for a weakness to present itself.

Use the wife’s imagination.  Make her see new paint on the walls.  How great it will look with your furniture.  What a wonderful place for you to raise your babies, host events, and grow old together.  Once the wife falls in love; fuck the husband.  Sell them the potential because they’d never by the reality.

You need a house.  No more apartments.  So what if the carpet is shot.  It still has a roof over it.

House filled up, opening cupboards, looking at the furnace, leaky foundation.  That’s why it has new drywall.  It will take six months to find that problem.  Is there a history of water damage?  Not that I know of.  Says so in the disclosure.

This couple is taking up my time and I let them know it.  If you’re not going to put in an offer, there are plenty of others here that will.  Make them feel guilty.  Guilt puts more money in my pocket.

What’s that sweet smell?  Why that’s cookies fresh from the oven.  Not this oven, it barely works.  But, an oven all the same.  Doesn’t baked goods make you feel right at home?  Plus, it hides the stench of cat piss and stale cigarettes.  Those stainless steel appliances look great.  They aren’t included in the sale price.  I’d remove the marble countertop too if it weren’t custom built and so damn heavy.

The attic is blanketed in mold.  Just cover what you can see from the crawlspace with paint.  Can’t afford to remediate the problem.  Few inspectors will do more than shine a flashlight in there.  If they do, nothing that a Ben Franklin or two can’t fix.  Pictures to prove it too.  God, I wish I had more houses like this to sell.

What’s that guy doing?  Thinks he’s a handyman.  Playing around with the faucets and electrical box.  Well, some of the plumbing has been replaced with garden hoses and the GCFI isn’t grounded.  This guy may have shit for brains, but if he finds something he might start talking.  I don’t need others to hear anything about anything he might find.  Get him out of the house.

Beautiful, isn’t it?  The couple that owns it put $50,000 into it. 

How’s the school district?  Best rated school in the state.  Hell, maybe even the nation.  Why not?

Who stepped in mud?  How can there be mud if it hasn’t rained?  I would have cancelled the open house if it rained.  The backyard is graded into the basement.  Don’t need buyers seeing all the flooding downstairs.  Don’t think I could pull off selling it as an indoor pool.  Get your kid’s face off the window.  I just cleaned that.  Can’t you leave those monsters in the car or at grandma’s?  With all these kids you can’t afford the asking price?  Then why the hell are you here?

Paint that water stain on the ceiling.  Put toothpaste in the missing grout.  This home is so well insulated that your heating and cooling bill will be zero.  Or have many zeros.  Put a potted plant in front of that bulge on the wall.  Landscaping is a more affordable solution than answering questions about the structure.

Are any of these people pre-approved for credit?  I want some offers.  I want a bidding war.  Nothing jacks up my commission more than two idiots fighting over the same piece of rotten meat.

I staged this house perfectly.  Boxed up the clutter, new rug on the water-spotted hardwood, barrowed some lamps, family photos in storage, fake flowers.  Looks good online too.  A stage needs actors.  There’s a middle-aged couple I hired to pretend to casually discuss all the wonderful features of the home that is so affordably priced that it will sell fast. 

Look at that dumb bitch all excited about the double sinks.  Need to find out if they have any dough.

Just need a sucker to sign on the dotted line.  Once they do that, I get paid and they’re the bank’s problem.  If they miss a payment or find a flaw with the house, it’s not me the bank will be after.  It’s in the contract.  Don’t blame me if you didn’t read the 100+ pages of fine print; talk to your lawyer.  Your lawyer and I do a lot of business together.  Great guy.

Not too many people in this town I haven’t worked with.  If you don’t play, you don’t stay.  I like to get drinks with a buyer’s agent when an offer has been put it.  Lots of drinks.  Get answers to how much credit they have.  See if we can set up a bidding war.  Which inspector to call that won’t reveal any major defects.  I already know all the attorneys and can make a suggestion.  The best thing about this business is the buyer never meets the seller.  It makes our parlor tricks so much easier to pull off.  Let’s celebrate by doing a few lines.

Time to put the open house sign and cookies away.  If this house doesn’t sell in a few days we’ll have to cut ten grand from the price.  The sellers are back from the coffee shop and want to know if there are any nibbles.  Don’t want to sell for less as they paid far more than it was worth during the bubble.  Bubbles burst.  I’m just glad they didn’t come back early like the last time.  Tried doing their own sales pitch.  Got offended when someone made a comment about the pea green wallpaper.  Thought I wasn’t doing enough of the hard sell.  Just because they’re the ones living out of storage bins doesn’t mean they can tell me how to do my job.  But they’re desperate and they signed with me because I told them exactly what they wanted to hear.  People love it when I validate their bad ideas.

I get a text from the office.  There’s an offer on the table.  Some shit head trying to lowball me.  Their agent works at my office and I tell him I won’t even consider it.  Won’t waste my time filling out paperwork with a counteroffer.  Tell the buyer we had a good open house and we have other offers coming in.  It’s bullshit, but we want full price to be considered.  The agent agrees, convinces the buyers they will lose their dream house, and resends their offer ten grand over the asking price.  We’ll stall on accepting.  Their agent has a weakness for vodka and an incentive to raise the bid.  Pry the buyer’s wallets open.  Hold out a couple of days to see if one of these Wall Street hedge funds would like to make an offer.  Use some of that bailout money to take advantage of the new class of renters they’ve been foreclosing on.

God, this is a great house.  Just off a five-lane intersection dotted with chain stores, empty parking lots, and water collectors made to look like fountains.  This home at the end of a side street will soon have a new sign-sold.


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Please follow on Google+TwitterFacebook, and Pinterest.

Thank you for reading and your support.  This would not be possible without you!

If you have any questions, comments, suggestions, or anything else, please feel free to contact me at: LukeArchaism@gmail.com

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Skull & Crossbones

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Nate pounds the particle board door plastered with paint and stickers.  He has a lean build, crooked teeth, and wears a skintight black shirt with leather pants.  The door pops open quickly and shuts again.  Rick, looking like a fullback in skater clothes, knocks on the door and this time it flies open with Mike leaping out of the darkness.  He has a board with a nail in it.  Mike is insane.  “WHO ARE YOU!  HAVE YOU BEEN FUCKIN’ WITH MY CAR!”  All of us run for cover behind dumpsters and around corners.  “MIKE!  IT’S US!  JUSTICE FIRE!  WE’RE SUPPOSE TA PLAY TONIGHT!”  We are a band and this is our gig.

“I don’t have shows on Wednesdays,” as Mike stalks around the alley giving us the stink eye and swinging his homemade weapon menacingly.

“”Mike!  It’s Friday.  Look at da flyer.  We’re at da top.  Justice Fire.”  Bill, the drummer, turns the ignition of his hatchback ready to ditch us.  He looks much older than he is.  The preppy clothes and worn out demeanor only makes it worse.

“Friday?” Mike throws his wooden weapon into the abyss of the Skull & Crossbones, “Com’ on in guys.  Got drinks?”  All of us look at each other with raised eyebrows.  We know Mike’s crazy as he’s done this before, but we follow him into the shadows anyway.

Mike bought this building in the 80s for nothing.  It used to be a corner grocery store, but it became vacant around 1968.  For all those years, it rotted and was broken into by squatters.  It’s unclear (even to Mike, which isn’t strange if you know him) how he became the owner of the building.  Maybe he isn’t.  But, he built a stage and ran a few electrical outlets to create a music venue dubbed the Skull & Crossbones.  All are welcome and no one cares what you do.  There have been thousands of acts that have taken this stage and a few of them went on to fame/infamy.

We find the stairs to the apartment in this black hole.  There’s a smell of various kinds of smoke and cheap beer.  It’s hard to believe anyone could live here.  The floor is knee deep in pizza boxes, newspapers, and unwashed clothes.  Mike knocks a bunch of garbage off a table and demands, “All of ya line up.”  He lifts up an old Polaroid camera and takes a shot, “Now, I have a picture of every band that’s played here.” 

“Um… ya took our picture da last few times we played,” smirks Rick the bassist, “see, we’re right there,” and he points to our pictures on the wall covered in photos of countless other bands.  The rest of the walls are blanketed in marker drawings of dragons, faces, and scribbled dirty jokes:

            “Want a joke about my cock? Nevermind, it is too long.            
            Here’s a joke about my pussy. Forget about it, you won't get it.”

He drops the newest image on the table and snorts something.  I say “something” not because I don’t necessarily know what it is, but because he has a lot of different things to snort.  “Want some?” Mike asks and we shake our heads.  “There’s some stuff in da fridge if ya want.”  On one side of the kitchen is a row of door-less cabinets containing only a few cleaning supplies.  The sink looks like it could double as a bathtub and has a plate, a medium-sized pan, one spoon, and a Bush/Quayle mug, which is all his cookware.  An extension cord runs over the sink, around the window covered with blankets and duct tape, to the toaster, coffee pot, and fridge.  I open the fridge and it’s packed with 40s and cans of “The Beast.”  The only other things in there is a half-eaten package of bologna and the largest tub of butter I’ve ever seen.  I grab a sampling of five beers and pass them around.

There’s a knock at the door and Mike sees the two other bands from the flyer outside: Exploding Turtle and The Biggs Project.  All of us head downstairs so we can start to set up.  “The closin’ band puts their stuff in da back and da openin’ act has their stuff in front ready ta go.  Middle band in da middle.  Once you’re done, put your shit in da car,” Mike explains with surprising soberness.  “Who’s closin’?” asks Erik Biggs of The Biggs Project.

“Uh…  You are,” replies Mike back to his stupor.

“What?  We’re suppose ta headline.  Look at da flyer.  We’ve been playin’ longer.  We’ll have da most fans,” blurts Nate, which leads to an argument that Justice Fire loses because of a personal friendship between Mike and Erik.  “Fuck this.  I say we leave,” says Nate feeling disrespected. 

“Hey, the cut at the door is the same.  We’re here.  And, all we’ll do is piss off our friends if we go.  Who cares who headlines as long as we don’t open,” I say trying to make sure we still cover our expenses.  Bill is still nervous and doesn’t say anything.

“Fuck Biggs.  But, lets play,” Rick says with some contemplation.  All of the gear is staged and Exploding Turtle and Justice Fire head outside.  We sit on the curb to drink and wait for people to show up.  A couple of the guys head over to a nearby gas station to buy and microwave canned ravioli for dinner.  I hand them a couple of bucks to pick me up a mixer for the show.

The lead singer of Exploding Turtle asks me, “How long have ya been playin’?”

“Not very,” I reply shyly, “I’ve been playing fer ‘bout a year now and I’m not very good.  Justice Fire was formed about six months before me.  I was asked to join ‘cause I’m good at promotin.’  I offered to manage, but they asked me ta play fer some reason.  How ‘bout yerself?”

“This is our third show.  I think we’re pretty good, but it’s hard ta book shows.  What’s it like playin’ here?”

“It’s terrible if they like ya and da worst if they don’t.  Either way, they throw beer bottles at ya like that hick bar in Blues Brothers,” which was probably not the right thing to say to a rookie of this place. 

People start to arrive.  Many of our friends hang out on the street with us while others pay their $5 cover to pre-game inside before the show.  All the guys return from the gas station and Rick throws me a 2-liter of fruit punch.  I dump out a bunch of it and replace it with some whiskey.  I take a couple shots, let it sink in, and all of us make our way to the entrance when we hear the tuning of guitars.

Mike’s at the door with a fist full of cash and a bowl.  We push through and there’s a mob of people that cram into a dimly lit room of smoke and graffiti.  Exploding Turtle is making their final adjustments on stage.  All three members look exactly alike with the same mop haircuts and hipster glasses, except the lead is fat.

“THIS SONG’S ‘BOUT A GIRL! 1-2-3!” and Exploding Turtle bursts with high octane songs in contrast to their lethargic movements.  While a few people are jumping around, they suffer from being an opening act where most circle around in their cliques or focus on getting a buzz.  A few cans and bottles are thrown in their direction, but no concussions.  “THANKS FER COMING OUT!  WE’RE EXPLODIN’ TURTLE!” and with that they unplug their equipment and take it to their vehicles.

There’s the strange silence between sets.  Just the hum of people that hang around.  Many head outside to get some fresh air in the filthy alley.  It doesn’t take much for us to set up.  Just a couple of plugs, a few more shots, and Nate pulls us together and yells, “LET’S SHOW ‘EM SOMETHIN’ THEY’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!”  The lights go out and the sound of an air raid siren blasts letting everyone know it’s time to come back in.  The room fills up and our cheap stage lights focus on Nate.  He has a maniacal look in his eyes as stares at the crowd.  He waves his arms inviting everyone in and the drum rolls.  I stroke the guitar as a thumping bass riff kicks in…  Then silence…  Nate crouches down into the faces closest to the stage and screams, “LET’S START A RIOT!!!”

The music is awful, but the energy is infectious.  One song after another without interruption.  Beer cans are flying through the air and Rick seems to be picking a fight with a Skinhead in the pit.  Bill is wearing his polo shirt like a Muslim headdress and gradually pours a gallon of water onto it to keep from overheating.  I mercilessly torture my guitar and have the backing vocals of a drill sergeant barking insults to a new recruit.  Nate, has his moments of brilliance and agony as he caricatures a rock star.  He struts on his tiny spot on stage hitting every note with a strange whiny accent. 

Nate steps back and picks up his guitar as I take center stage for my solo.  I lean into the mic and the power goes out...  “FUCK YOU PIGS!  YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING!  FUCK YOU!” screams Mike from the back of the void.  A few underaged kids drinking and smoking outside ran in earlier and alerted Mike to the police. Mike killed the power with a switch by the door and placed his medieval lock system in place.  He’s done this before.  He taunts the officers screaming, “YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING!  YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING,” as he pauses only to take hits.  After a while, the knocks and commands outside stop and Mike sends someone upstairs to see if the cops have left.  When the guy returns so does the power and lights.

“Um…  okay…  I guess we’re still doin’ a show…” Nate says into the mic while sitting on an amp.  Mike gives a thumbs up and seems to be rocking out to music no one else hears.  We try to recollect ourselves and decide to move on to the next song on our playlist.  The restart feels like a drag until some dopey kid climbs on stage.  Everyone rushes forward when he starts to put something on people’s tongues.  Each communion is followed with the sign of the cross and shouts of, “Today’s a gift from God. That's why it's called ‘the present.’”

Nate, the showman, drops back behind Bill and a drum solo rumbles as the lights create silhouettes.  A pulsating, tribal, hypnotic beat reverberates through our chests.  A primal scream as a red glow appears on stage.  Nate emerges with a bad black wig and a torn shirt exposing a poor marker drawing of a coiled snake on his chest.  The repetitive words from his mouth are unintelligible with his faux gravel and distortion that drives the crowd mad.  Fists pumping.  Half full beer cans and bottles fill the air with aluminum, glass, and liquid that hits everything and everyone.  Stage diving into a smoky cloud of hands and faces.  It is raw emotion seething just below the skin of an angst driven people.  A one-liner song about metal bands turned into a true outlet of rage.  A barbarian mob ready to scorch earth.

The wigs come off and we mix cover songs with some of our catchier early stuff.  And, to close, Nate pulls out the acoustic “for the girls,” he half jokes before his ballad.  As he sings, the rest of us take down the gear and start to thank everyone for coming out to see us, “Hey man, thanks fer comin’ out.  ‘Preciate it.”

The lights come on and many make their way back to the alley.  Nate, amped up after the performance irately walks up to Mike, “We’ll take our money and leave now.”

“Huh?  Uh, no…  Ya have ta wait ‘til I close.  That’s when ya get da money,” replied Mike.

“Fuck that!  I wanna leave now…” and so on as Rick drags Nate’s passion outside and I try to smooth things over.  Bill still remains at a safe distance.  We can’t afford to piss off one of the few venues in town.  It’s unlikely we’ll be asked to play at a coffee shop or a wedding anytime soon.

My attention turns to the stage.  The only constant in The Biggs Project is Erik Biggs.  Every show has a different cast of musicians (or other form of actors) performing different music (or other sounds) in bizarre ways.  I “performed” with them once and we never even practiced.  That show lasted less than five minutes when the music store owner kicked us out.  Tonight, Erik took the stage by manning a child’s keyboard with a dirty hippie sitting on a brown metal folding chair.  The hippie tests the mic briefly and Erik called out “1-2-1-2-3-4!”  The keyboard squeals random notes ignoring the most basic tenants of music theory.  The hippie presses a distortion and wah-wah petals, holds the mic close to his face, and then quickly removes and blows into a harmonica generating a sound that clears the room.  Only Exploding Turtle and Justice Fire are forced to watch if we wanted our money.  Mike stood in the back near the door jamming to whatever he thought he was hearing.  The rest of us were as far from the amps as possible with earplugs or hands over our ears.  One of the Exploding Turtles is dry heaving in the bathroom and blames the noise.  No one goes into that bathroom. It is just two graffitied plywood boards in the corner creating minimal privacy for a toilet that has never been cleaned.  Seriously, Mike proudly stated, “That toilet was disgustin’ when I bought da place and I’ve never touched it.  I go ta da gas station before using that.  If someone wants ta use it that bad, let ‘em clean it.”  And, you don’t want to know what’s in the sink. 

The show ends when Mike locks the doors.  At least we don’t have to push people out afterwards.  We all head upstairs to his living quarters.  Some grab drinks as Mike counts the cash and takes hits on his coffee table.  His night is just starting.  We get our cut of about $300 (a pretty good haul) and all of us take off except Erik Biggs, who’s earning his next headliner status on that coffee table.  

Bill has all the equipment and our safe in the car.  Our safe is an old metal toolbox with a slit on top and four hinged padlock hasps.  Anyone could put money in the slit, but each member has a key to vote on all funds being removed.  We stole the idea from another band and it works well for us.  We deposit tonight’s cash that we’ll use to record an album.  Bill takes off in his tightly packed hatchback.  He’s done for the night and just wants to go home.

“Hey guys, ya wanna get somethin’ ta eat at Fiesta?” inquires Rick who’s always hungry.

“I could go fer a Burrito,” Nate says grabbing his concave stomach.

“Not me.  I’m headin’ home.” I say still a bit asthmatic from all the smoke inside. 

“Com’ on.  Don’t cha wanna have some cheap tacos ta absorb that fruit punch and whiskey?” teases Nate.  Rick was ready to go with his keys out.  They still had to drive to their houses, which is quite a drive east of here.

“Okay, see ya at practice on Tuesday,” Rick says over his shoulder walking away.  I take a seat on the curb with the last of my beer.  The street is empty, but I can hear a few guys laughing down Hobbie Avenue.  A freight train is barreling though the plains.  It was a pretty good show tonight.  There’s nothing like putting on a show.  The look in the crowd’s eye as the energy reaches the highest high and the lowest lows.  The dancing.  The chanting.  A pit and the screaming.  The release of all that is built up inside.

I brush myself off as I make my way across the street.  Somehow a cool breeze makes malt liquor taste better.  All that’s left is the backwash at the bottom.  I take one last look at the Skull & Crossbones and chuck my bottle at the building.  In an instant, it turns from a solid form into a million twinkling stars of glittering shrapnel under the streetlights.  A fitting tribute to the night.

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Sunday, April 14, 2013

Wanderings

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A gaunt Indian man behind the counter slowly takes his eyes off his customer’s alcohol to glance out the window.  “Toe-me…  Lowks…” and the large man by the doors turned the locks, slid the metal security gate, and pulled out a Ruger LCP.380.  Outside, a crowd of about 60 mostly young adults and teenagers circled around two men.  One of them had a crown on his hoodie and stood perfectly still with a customized chrome Glock 36 pointed at the asphalt.  His eyes glaring at the other man with a tattoo of what appeared to be a skull in a top hat, who was swinging his arms in the air and yelling so loud that we could hear him inside.  “That boy ain’t right,” says a woman peering out one of the little windows.  The man then shouted something that must have been funny since everyone laughed and he walked up to his foe, took a deep breath, and POP!  A soldier of the silent man punched him from the left side.  All hell broke loose as rivals threw fists, kicks, and anything else they might have.  Others cheered on.  It was hand-to-hand combat until BANG!  A gun went off somewhere and everyone scattered into the street, the neighborhood, and nearby field.  When the police finally arrived 20 minutes later, the only people around were the one’s who just showed up to get drinks and didn’t know anything had happened.  The security gate slid open, the line moved, and I finally got my whiskey. 

The glass crunches under my sneakers as I come out of the yellow corrugated steel store toward the edge of the lot.  Floodlights and cop flashers create day on this corner.  I take a seat on the guardrail between stores and open my fifth not-so-discreetly hidden in a brown bag.  It smells like ammonia.  I hold it away, look at it for a second, and throw it back trying to drink as much as possible in one shot.  It’s terrible.  Like someone just mixed up cheap vodka and burnt molasses in a bottle.  The aftertaste makes my mouth and throat pucker up so much that I can’t close my eyes.  But, it’ll do the job alright.

This whiskey was earned under the table collecting the cover charge at a dive called McCracken’s.  I do lots of odd jobs: cleaning gutters, painting houses, lawn work, furniture moving, answer phones, kitchen help, chauffeur; all of which prove that going straight gets you nothing.  I make my way across the vacant four-lane street to the ol’ engine cylinder head factory.  The three-story reinforced concrete and steel structure has been empty for years.  My grandpa use to work here.  Started right before World War II and had all kinds of stories about co-workers, being attacked by police at union strikes, and the pride of becoming middle class, and being able to send my mom and her siblings to college and all.  The boarded up windows and doors don’t keep out the kids or the homeless.  But, it’s not as bad as the vacant department store they turned into a “convention center” down the street.  This plant survived mergers, the Great Depression, Unionism, and even technological advances.  But, it couldn’t survive NAFTA.  Division by division, the factory was dismantled and shipped to Mexico where the average worker makes $4 a day in pay and benefits.  Now, no one is middle class.  Only 100 workers remain in a dilapidated admin building where their only job is to receive a paycheck so the company can meet the minimum requirements to collect an annual multi-million dollar subsidy from the city and state, which expires in 12 years.  Those subsidies, paid with the taxes from the laid off, still go to the CEO who moved production and has since retired to his eight bedroom, nine and a half bath, 23,000 square foot home in the deep south.  Which bootstraps do I have to pull myself up by to get that gig?

Now that I’ve got enough numbness, I shuffle down Court Street.  The only noise is from the bar all the old men from the Bubba Network (local politicians) drink at.  It seems only the alcohol-related businesses survive in this economy.  Makes sense.  I peek in the windows and see a lot of people, but no one I know.  Just a lot of geezers hiding their corruption and incompetence behind fancy suits.  I continue on.  Swig of whiskey.  Empty store.  Another swig.  Parking lot.  Swig.  Pawn shop in neon lights.  Gulp, gulp, gulp.  More parking for more places that were torn down.  Ever notice the worst places have the most parking?

I make my way up 5th Avenue just past the commercial district.  I wonder if Kate’s home?  Kate’s had a rough go of it.  She had a decent job at the nearby hospital she worked at for over 30 years, but was let go because she was over 50.  That’s not the reason they gave her, but let’s be honest.  Anyway, she’s been looking and looking for work and no one will hire her because she’s too old (again not the reason they give her).  The stress of long-term unemployment and credit card debt got to her and she developed Lupus.  Now, she’s living off disability and has insurance.  God finds a way.  Anyway, the lights at her house are out.  So, if she is home she’s probably already asleep.

This use to be a nice little residential street.  Well built older homes that the flippers loved.  All these houses were given little more than a beige paint job, marble countertops, and stainless steel appliances, which sold for enormous markups.  For a while, the “for sale” signs stayed up longer than they use to.  Those were replaced by “foreclosure” signs.  There’s no signs anymore.  The banks own many of the houses on this street, but don’t do anything with them.  They just sit empty and the only activity is a landscaping company comes by every few weeks to butcher the grass.  A friend of mine was foreclosed on a few blocks over on Cherry Ave, but fortunately get to still live in the house.  They still pay about the same amount to the bank each month, but instead of calling it a “mortgage,” it’s called “rent.”  With so many renters, it makes sense they are about to open another apartment complex nearby.

At Williams Street, I see The Shack is open and make my way over.  What an interesting business model.  The Shack is a tiny food hut that opens from midnight to 3am.  They buy cheap frozen pizza and other snack foods from a bulk warehouse, cook it, and resell it to drunks at jacked up prices.  Chuck owns the place and is always wearing some old heavy metal band t-shirt with cut off sleeves.  And, he’s constantly yelling, “Are the (fill in the blanks) done yet!” at his three teenage daughters and wife.  The four women of this family business are dressed in the skankiest matching uniforms that change weekly.  The clientele is what you’d expect at this time of night; grizzled old men not ready to face angry wives, an obnoxious bachelor party, and a few high school kids curious about what happens around town at night.  The yellow florescent lights somehow makes this place look even grimier.  A pouty underaged girl in a tight pink shirt and possibly a tutu (?) stomps up to me in heels she doesn’t know how to walk in, tosses a paper plate of cheese fries on my table, and stomps back behind the counter.  There’s some good people watching: a leather wearing biker gang that I recognize as tax attorneys from their ads, a prostitute that had her fair share of meth, and rich suburban kids pretending to be thugs by blowing out their parent’s Mercedes speakers in the parking lot.  I could have had leftovers at home, but why microwave something myself when I could pay someone to microwave this for me?

With fries in my belly, I can get back to work on the whiskey.  There’s not much to talk about with the rest of 5th Avenue.  It’s nothing but Post WWII subdivisions with ugly ranch and tri-level houses as far as the eye can see.  I think it was Hemingway that said of his hometown, “Wide lawns; narrow minds.”  That about sums it up.  If Hemmingway didn’t say it, someone else did.  If someone else didn’t say it, then I guess it’s mine.  Either way, it’s a lot of ugly houses.

Now, I’m not going to tell you where I end up.  Where I am is empty and peaceful.  If I tell you where that is you may come and ruin that.  But, I pace around thinking and making sure nothing is out of place.  What am I going to do?  I’m too educated and lack experience.  Most importantly, I’m not connected.  That’s something you are born into.  How come the only things I care about don’t make money?  No one’s going to pay me to watch baseball or draw pretty pictures for them.  And, I didn’t intend to take on all these student loans to only file papers or do small jobs for slightly more than minimum wage.  Work ain’t a reason for living, but I still have to pay the rent.  I need money.  I am for sale.  Forget about virtue and commonwealth or equality.  How much will you pay for me, sire?  I am a mere peasant dependent on your favored status for survival, my lord.

I climb up the stairs and there’s a sleeping bag spread out on the floor with a couple of books and necessities nearby.  Overall, very Spartan.  An orange glow in the sky clings to the shadows of trees and buildings below.  I swirl the last awful sips of a bad whiskey; not that I can taste it anymore anyway.  I toss it back for the last time, lay down on the sleeping bag listening to the faint whirring sounds in my head.  It is what it is.  What else could it be?

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