What Lurks In the Basement

Where the hell is it?  I close another beat up cardboard box of old toys and open a towering armoire that’s lost a majority of its flakey white paint.  A weathered Santa waves to me from a cobwebbed corner.  His pudgy red face is so bloated that it looks like it could explode.  I slide a few more plastic bins and former appliance boxes around the room.  Plumes of dust roll like a miniature Arizona dust storm.  On the floor is a cheap baby blue backpack.  It means I’m close.  Pushing more shit out of the way, a strange form is revealed covered by a garbage bag.  I loosen the drawstrings and pull it off the guitar.

I didn’t want it.  Right before band practice, I went to Loewe’s Music for strings.  Man, that was years ago.  Anyway, I was waiting for the clerk when I picked up the fiery red guitar and messed around for a bit.  Kind of weird looking with an oblong body, but fun.  “Whatcha think ‘bout that guitar?” shouted the clerk from the cluttered back.

“It’s awright.” I replied.  “Da lead in my band has a blue one ‘nd likes it enough.”

“Wanna plug it inta an amp?” that metalhead thought he had me on a line.

“Nah.  Just gettin’ strings ‘nd hafta get goin’.”

“’Kay…” He grabbed the high gauge strings and was about to ring me up when he asked, “Whad if I gotcha a deal?  Wouldja consider buyin’ da guitar then?”

“Yer persistent, aren’t ya?  It’d hafta be a great deal since I awready have a guitar.  What’s wrong with it anyway?”  There’s salesmanship and then there’s desperation.

“Nothin’.  Nothin’.  Just had it fer a while ‘nd need ta move it off da sales floor.  How does $300 sound?  I’ll even throw in da strings ‘nd a gig bag.”  I tried to pretend 50% off wasn’t a good deal.  Faked a moment to think.  Luckily, I had enough cash for the down payment and paid the rest off the next day.

The guitar is in rough shape.  The body and neck are fine, but there are patches of rust on the pick-ups, keys, and bridge.  Fine brown dust forms around the corroded strings with every pluck as I tune it: not an easy task when I’m missing the D string.  It’s still a fine instrument if you can get over the disheveled appearance.

Reaching in the nylon backpack for a pick, I remove a crumpled piece of paper from our CD release show.  An old set list with twelve original songs.  Each one about an inside joke, a twisted relationship, or personal disaster.  One melody was even sung in a made up language (not our most popular hit).  Two songs are about the same girlfriend: one at the beginning of the relationship and the other at the end.  I didn’t write any of them, but they are still special to me.

The amp appears to have survived its long hibernation.  I won’t really know until I can plug it in.  It used to be so loud.  Absolute no reason to have a half-stack if you’re only playing V.F.W. halls.  But, it was all part of the act.  The highest I ever turned the dial was “3” and I nearly lost an eardrum.  It could produce a sound wave that resembled a chainsaw cutting steel.  Spray painted on one side is the band’s name: Justice Fire.  The white stenciled letters almost glitter on the battered black cabinet.  A message from a former era, like a cave painting.

I’m still unclear how I joined the band.  They lost their drummer and I had a friend without a group.  I introduced them and was about to leave when someone asked, “Where’s yer guitar?”

“Uh…  At home.” At the time I had an inexpensive beginner’s set.

“Why didn’t ya bring it?”

“Why would I?”

“’Cause we have practice.  Go home ‘nd grab it.  We’ll start on drums ‘nd be ready ta work with ya by da time yer back.”  The drummer and I had less than a week to prepare for our first show at a banquet hall.

Peeking at the mechanicals in the amp head, there’s a stack of photos in the nook.  I forgot all about these.  There are shots from every show and the dumb stuff we did waiting to play.  Here’s the set we did in our underwear.  That’s us eating all those free burritos because we wrote a song for a Mexican restaurant.  There I am arguing with a cop because he’s trying to shut us down citing nonexistent laws and ignoring our permit.  Oh man, this picture is from the basement show we played and thought a serial killer tricked us into being his victims when we first arrived.  And, that’s me posing with friends after my last performance.

I didn’t know that was my last show then.  A week later, we practiced at the studio as usual.  I was packing up my stuff when one of the guys said, “Hey Luke, can ya talk fer a minute?”  They politely cut me from the band.  I was disappointed, but I realized I was the least talented member.  I collected all my stuff as they watched me from the couch with melancholy faces.  It was quiet as I crammed everything into the blue backpack.  I unlatched the door to the alley and stopped when I heard, “Hey man, we’re sorry.”  I couldn’t respond.

The half-stack was the first to go downstairs.  A while later, I stored the recording equipment in a tub.  A lot was changing in my life at that moment and music didn’t seem to be a part of my future.  So, I wrapped up my guitar, just as I’m doing now, in a shriveled garbage bag.  It crinkles as I carefully place it on the stand.  I turn off the lights and head back upstairs to reality.

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Breakfast With Anabelle

Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day, when I get it.  I can’t have it when I’m tortured to get up by an alarm clock.  Makes my stomach acidic and all I can tolerate is toast.  But, I woke up when I wanted to this morning and I’m making French toast, eggs, bacon, and coffee.  If only I had some potatoes.  Anyway, I toss it all onto a plate when somebody knocks on the door.

Anabelle gazes at me with a raised eyebrow and curled lip.  She dyed her hair fire engine red since I last saw her.  “Perfect timin’.  Want some breakfast?  Just made up some French toast and eggs.” I said. 

“Didja just get up?  No thanks.  I ate a while ago.” She sneers back.  Whatever her problem is can wait.  I have good cooking.  I took my seat and started chowing down.  Anabelle just stands at the other end of the table, arms crosses, giving me a dirty look.  “Ya look horrible.  What’s wrong with ya?  Yer so gross.”

“I’m fine, sunshine.  Did I ferget somethin’ or do somethin’ ta piss ya off?” I reply still loading up on food.  “If so, I’m sorry.”

“No…” Now she brings out her “caring voice” when she asks, “Are ya gonna be like this ferever?”  Ugh.  Does she not see this beautiful meal in front of me on a rare day off?  It’s about as close to Nirvana I’ve been in a while.

“Be like what?”

“Like this.  What’s wrong with ya?  Ya never come out with us anymore or do anythin’ I want ta.  ‘Nd yer gettin’ boring.”  I look down at my plate, bite my upper lip, and take a deep breath so I don’t say anything I’ll regret later.  She never forgets.

“Well, maybe I’ve changed or I’m not who ya thought I was,” my chest grows warm and tight.

“Bullshit.  When was da last time ya took a shower or changed yer clothes or combed yer hair?”

“Who cares?  It’s my day off ‘nd I’m not goin’ anywhere.  I got no one ta impress.”  Why does she always have to start fights with me on nice days?  Anyway, she storms out the front door and I continue eating.  I’m not going to let whatever her problem is ruin my day.

“Aren’t ya gonna talk ta me?”  I didn’t know she was still here.  I finished up my meal, threw the dishes in the sink, and made a screwdriver.  Better make another one.

“Thought ya left ten minutes ago.” I hand her a drink she obviously doesn’t want.  “Have ya just been sittin’ on da stoop?”

“I’m tired of seein’ ya sit ‘round doin’ nothin’.  Either yer at work or passed out on da couch.  I don’t like it.  Now she has her “pouty face” on. 

“Well, I offered ta make ya breakfast ‘nd ya threw a shit-fit.”

“We don’t have fun anymore.  Let’s go do somethin’ crazy.” Anabelle doesn’t need me to pull any of her stunts.

“What do ya wanna do?  My day is wide open.”

“Oh…  Let’s go onna road trip.  Yeah!  I know some people we can stay with in St. Louis.  Maybe stop by Paul’s ta invite him.  See a show somewhere.  It’ll be fun.”

“It would be.  But, I can’t do it.  I hafta work tamorrow ‘nd I only have ‘bout 20 bucks ta last me ‘til payday.  Plus, not sure if yer car could make it ta St. Louis.”  Why does everyone come up with these “great ideas” that are impossible and I have to say “no” to?  Sure, there’s a lot of stuff I’d love to do if time, money, and reality were of no importance.  Of course, going to St. Louis isn’t an insanely impossible adventure, but I can’t do it.  “Why don’t ya call up Paul?  Maybe he can go with ya or someone else.”

“Hmm…  Ferget it.”  She disappears into the house.  Probably going to the bathroom.  Even if I could go to St. Louis, I wouldn’t want to.  It’s such a long drive to just end up standing somewhere watching a terrible band.  She’d ditch me while I end up sleeping on a stranger’s couch.  And, who knows if she’d even drive me back.  It’s not unusual for me to go somewhere with Anabelle and then have to find alternative transportation home.  How many times have I looked for her at a party only to discover her car missing?  “Yer future ain’t lookin’ too bright?”

“Really?  Yer startin’ ta sound like my granpa.”  This coming from a girl I had to carry back to her place because she passed out in a parking lot from drinking too much last week.  “I’ll take yer drink if ya don’t want it.  Somethin’ else I can get ya?”

“Take it.  I’m fine.”  Anabelle begins to sulk in the chair and looks at the neighbor’s house.  It’s in pretty rough shape.  A single woman with two out-of-control kids live there.  The mom works strange hours and the cops are called on her children all the time.  Their garbage frequently blows into our yard and drives my grandpa crazy.  “What happened ta ya, Luke?”

“Ah, nothin’.  Just gotta lot on my plate right now.  That’s all.”

“Well, tell me ‘bout it.”

“Com’on Anabelle.  Ya don’t need ta nag me.”  She jumps up and stomps to her car.  Doesn’t look at me or even say “goodbye.”  Probably will spend the rest of the day at home thinking of a way to punish me.

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Little Taste of Grandpa's Cough Syrup

He places a couple of large glasses of whiskey on the table and lights a cigarette.  “Ya shouldn’t be smokin’.”

“Worried I might get cancer or somethin’?” Grandpa retorts with a laugh.”  Don’t worry.  I need some pleasure before da cancer, I do have, kills me.”  He takes his seat on the dark patio overlooking the backyards of several homes.  “So, have ya thought ‘bout what I said?  Ya know, ‘bout who ya are ‘nd whatcha gonna do with yerself?”

“Is that what da alcohol is fer?” I joke.  “Yeah, I’ve actually thought ‘bout it every day since I can remember.  Still don’t have an answer though.  Do ya have da answer?”

“Do I have da answer?  Ha!  I’d hafta be quite an asshole ta say that I did.  Do ya think I know what’s in yer heart ‘nd how ya should be livin’?”

“Probably better than anyone else would.”

“Well, I’m no fool ‘nd I’m tellin’ ya I can’t answer those questions fer ya.  But, ya gotta find a purpose fer livin’.  Ya either live fer yer purpose or ya float ‘round doin’ nothin’.”  He swirls his glass and the ice races around the amber liquor.

“So…”  I look up at the stars and coyly ask, “How do I come up with a purpose ‘cause I don’t know what mine is.”

“Good question…  I s’pose before ya get a purpose ya hafta know who ya are.  No sense tryin’ ta become President if ya hate politics.”  He smashes his cigarette butt into a pile of ashes and lights another.  “From my view, ya become who ya are ‘cause of a hodge-podge of experiences ‘nd yer reactions to ‘em.  Makes ya grow by seeing things dif’rently.”

“Reactions ta my experiences, eh?  Hmm…” I think I better top off our glasses.  “So, my reaction is bein’ tired nd’ watchin’ TV ‘cause my experience is workin’ two shifts atta terrible job.  What’s that mean?”

“I dunno.  We gotta find da meanin’ of life out tagether, I guess.”

“This is getting’ too deep fer me,” I tease.  The smell of the neighbor’s burning leaves act like meditating incense for the evening.  “Think we’ll figure out da meanin’ of life tanight?”

“A smartass like ya’s purpose should be comedy.  A real Johnny Carson.  Do ya take anythin’ seriously?”  I get a stern look.

“Nah.  That’s da secret ta a ‘good’ life.  Anyway, what do ya think I should do?  Go back ta college ‘nd earn another degree ‘nd debt?  I’ve been applyin’ fer jobs every day with little-ta-no response.  I’m barely livin’ off of side work.  So, I’m not sure what else ta do.”

“Ferget ‘bout a career ‘nd money.  That’s da way da Devil gets ya.  We hafta focus on what’s important.  We have ta be ourselves.  Luke, ya hafta matter.”

“Okay…” It’s difficult not to roll my eyes.  “Great.  How can I be ‘myself’ ‘nd ‘matter’?”

“What do ya want outta life?  If ya could do anythin’, what would ya do?”

“Umm…  I dunno.  I’d be a rock star or somethin’.  Ya know, something fun ‘nd creative.”

“Good!  Yer a ‘musician’.  I like it.  Now, how can we improve yer skills with singin’ ‘nd da guitar?  Buy ya some lessons?  Fix up yer equipment in the attic ‘nd start practicin’.  Ya need music in yer life.  Ya may not become rich ‘nd famous, but at least ya’ll do somethin’ ya enjoy.  Takin’ yer life ‘nd turnin’ it inta songs is who ya could be.”

“Sounds nice.  I’ll be da most talented bum livin’ under da bridge.  I can’t afford my lifestyle now.  How could I bein’ all artsy-fartsy?”

“Luke, listen ta me.”  He leans over and stares with an intensity I’ve never seen before.  “Ya gotta decide what ya wanna do or someone’s gonna do it fer ya.  Either ya choose ta pursue music or ya become a slave fer that restaurant, bar, landscaper, or whatever crap ya’ve been doin’.  But, if yer not happy, ya gotta make a change.  Once ya know how ya wanna live, then ya can worry ‘bout payin’ da bills.  Yer at a point in yer life where ya can walk ‘way from everythin’ ‘nd start clean.”

“What ‘bout you?”

“Me?  I’m atta dif’rent part of life.  Soon, ya won’t hafta worry ‘bout me either.  But, as I said before, I’d be a fool ta tell ya ta be a musician or anythin’ else.  That’s somethin’ ya hafta tell yerself.  But, life’s too short ta be doin’ somethin’ ya hate.”  

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Warehouse

I know that warehouse.  It’s where that crazy party was a few years back.  The one where Anabelle was smacked in the face with a box of mac and cheese thrown from the roof like a grenade.  I lean on a rickety lamppost in a busted up parking lot along Schuyler Street.  It’s a good spot to rest and scan the flat landscape.  I met Monica at this warehouse.

I never understood Monica.  We’d see each other frequently.  All summer we went to pubs, shows, and other events.  The Fallen Angel bar was our hangout and we may or may not end up elsewhere.  Sometimes, we’d plan to meet and she’d never show up.  Never apologize.  Never mention it or even fake an excuse.  It would of drove me crazy if I didn’t think it was a temporary relationship.

Anyway, at that party, I was at the bar/receptionist desk when this girl put her arm around my waist and head against my chest.  I wasn’t complaining when I said, “Yer pretty friendly” thinking it was a case of mistaken identity. 

“Can ya pretend ta be my boyfriend?  Hey Anabelle.” she said under her breath.  I hate getting into the middle of drama, especially at parties.  “These two guys won’t leave me ‘lone ‘nd I told ‘em I was with ya ‘cause I saw ya with Anabelle.”  They looked like ‘roided out creeps with preppy appearances and unblinking stares.  There’s nothing wrong with having a girl on your arm, so I agreed.  “Thank you so much.  I’m Monica, by the way.”

She really wasn’t my type.  Too much of a girly-girl.  Took forever getting ready.  Always worried about her hair, makeup, or whatever.  All dolled up even though we were only going to a dive bar.  How can one person own so many damn shoes?  Her roommates and I became good friends as I took up space on their couch waiting around.  We’d be at least an hour late to everything.  It got to the point that if we were going to something I’d lie and say it started an hour earlier than it really did.  Many times, we’d still be late and it drove me nuts.

Beyond the superficial crap, she was an interesting person.  I have no idea where she’d get this stuff either.  I’d mention I liked some band and she’d give me a bunch of music from all sorts of unknown groups.  She’d loan me books by authors I’ve never heard of or thoughtful movies from strange places.  I’m no artist, but she found some of my junk fascinating.  I still don’t know why.  Monica took a bunch of my doodles and gave them to others. 

One time, we went to a lousy bar because they had some lame promotion.  Of course, there was a line halfway down the block in spite of five better pubs within eyeshot, all with available seating and cheaper, stronger drinks.  Anyway, here we were standing on the sidewalk like idiots when some girl came out of the lounge to talk on the phone and have a cigarette.  No big deal.  So, the girl tries to go back in and Monica pushes her.  Starts mouthing off about cutting in line and all sorts of nonsense.  Obviously, Monica didn’t know she had already been in the bar.  Well, I bear hug Monica and apologize to the girl, allowing her to go back inside.

As I started to explain the situation to Monica, she started hitting me and spouting off about embarrassing her in front of everyone.  Now I’m embarrassed about the both of us.  I hate that bar, I hate fighting, and I hated the whole situation.  So, I just went back to her car and sat until everyone was done and we could go home.  I was a designated driver by default.  Monica loves picking fights.  Would pick a fight with a grizzly if she perceived it wronged her somehow.  No idea what went through her head when she got like that.

Monica’s not crazy, at least not more than the average person.  There were just some topics I learned to avoid.  Hell, I don’t bring up some topics with anyone anymore after her reactions.  She could be extremely sweet too.  Like the time I was sick and she brought me spicy soup I like from the Thai place.  Or when she cleaned my grandpa’s house for him when I had to put in all that overtime.  But, she either ran “hot” or “cold.”  There was nothing in between.

That was two years ago.  It’s funny the things I remember and the stuff I forget.  Thinking about all that’s changed and how everything is the same.  How random it can all be.  All because I hitched a ride with Anabelle and she decided to bring me to this warehouse instead of going home.

It was uneventful when Monica moved to L.A. to be an actress/waitress.  She just told me “I’m goin’ ta Los Angeles ta fulfill a dream” and that was the last time I saw her.  As I said, it was a temporary relationship and I went back to Milwaukee a few weeks later.

Maybe I’ll go to the Fallen Angel for a drink before closing time.  It’s not that much out of the way.  On Station Street, I seem to be the only person around.  It’s eerily quiet as the orange lights obscure the midwestern sky.  I wonder if the bartender is still there; the aspiring singer.  Gave us lots of free drinks while singing along to the jukebox.  Not bad either.  I hope it hasn’t turned into a hipster bar or anything.  Then again, there’s something depressing when nothing’s changed.

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Tattered

I rub my eyes and hardly notice kicking a slipper in the hallway.  The linoleum floor is surprisingly chilly.  A faint light seeps onto it from under the bathroom door.  It holds my attention in the darkness.  Again, I hear a haunting whisper just under the rumble of a running toilet.  I knock on the door and there’s no response.  “Are ya awright in there?”  I crack the door open and peek inside.  “GRANPA!  OH SHIT!  Ya okay?”   His right hand grasps the toilet handle as his body is wrapped around the bowl.  He growls weakly as I untangle him and carry him to bed.

I race into the living room to find painkillers and something for nausea.  Tablets tumble onto the coffee table.  I reference a spreadsheet of times, dates, symptoms, and remedies.  A nurse should be doing this, not an inexperienced, stressed-out, scared family member.  I throw nearly a dozen pills into my pocket, grab a pot from the kitchen, and a sports drink.  I head back to the bedroom and see Grandpa hunched over on the edge of his bed.  He’s shrouded in a tattered blue robe and wearing one slipper.  “Granpa, ya gotta rest.”  I put the spaghetti pot on the floor.  “But, take these first.  Should make ya feel better.”

“Get that shit ‘way from me.  All da goddamn pills are what’s killin’ me.”  I got nothing else.  So, I just stare for a moment before I dump all the pills on the nightstand.  “Sorry…  I don’t mean ta snap at ya.  Just feel awful, that’s all.”

“No worries.”  I sit next to him.  Heat radiates from the down comforter, flannel sheets, and electric blanket in the summer night.  “Anythin’ I can do ta help ya sleep?”  His shaky hand lightly clutches my knee.

“Imma gonna miss ya, Luke.”  I nearly go blind as my eyes instantly tear up.  “Ya’ve always been good ta me.”

“Granpa, it’s too soon fer that.  Yer just havin’ a rough night with da medicine ‘nd all.  Let’s just get ya ta bed, okay?”

“Nah, nah, nah.  I’m dyin’ ‘nd I got some things I gotta tell ya before I can’t.”  I grab his shabby red plaid slipper from the hall and put it on his foot.  Then I wrap him up in an extra blanket as he’s covered in goosebumps.  “Okay, sit down now.  Ya know, I always wanted da best fer ya, right?”

“’Course I do.”

“Well, I don’t know what I’d do without ya.  Yer granma died, then yer mom moved ‘way, ‘nd I was forced ta retire.  Didn’t know what ta do with myself.  Those were some rough times, lonely times.  It wasn’t right she suffered like that.  I sat in this house, by myself, just thinkin’ ‘bout it.  Just years of bein’ torn up inside ‘til yer mom brought ya over.”

            “’Member goin’ ta lunch in da ol’ brown car?  Just packin’ sandwiches ‘nd talkin’ by da river.  Yeah, I liked those.  I’d ask ya ‘bout da stuff ya’d be doin’.  Had a hard time when ya had all that trouble with da school.  It wasn’t right.  Wish I’d done somethin’ dif’rent ‘bout that.”

            “’Nd yer dif’rent.  Ya always have been.  Don’t know why.  Can’t put my finger on it.  Fer some reason, ya’ve always been a target ‘nd I’ve tried ta protect ya.  Maybe too much.  Ya always had a freedom.  Yer not interested in da same things others think are important.  Just yer existence seems to undermine their point-of-view.  Ya challenge people’s beliefs ‘nd opinions without knowin’ it.  It makes ‘em attack ya outta fear.  “Nd maybe that’s it.

            “But, I failed ya, Luke.  I let ya out inta da world without ya even knowin’ who ya are.  Whatcha gonna do with yerself?  Do ya know?”

“Uh…” I’m just thinking how late it is and that I have to work in the morning.  “I dunno…  Everythin’s up in da air right now.  But, I’ll find a good job.  Don’t worry ‘bout that.”

“Job?  I ain’t worried ‘bout no job.  I’m worried ‘bout you.  Do ya know who ya are?”  I yawn and see the clock reads 3am.

“I guess so.”  I fold my hands together and play with my thumbs.

“Ya guess so.”  He scratches his stubble and has a disheartening chuckle.  “Well Luke, I can’t tell ya who ya are either.  I can make some observations ‘nd try ta help ya find a path.  But, that’s all.  Yer lost right now.  All ya seem ta do is work terrible jobs ‘nd watch TV.”  His back becomes arched as he coughs uncontrollably.  There’s an awful phlegm gargle right before he spits into the pot.  “Ya need ta figure out what yer livin’ fer.  If ya got nothin’ ta live fer, yer awready dead.”  What am I going to say to that?  I’m not going to debate the meaning of life with an old man dying of cancer. 

I take a few pills off the nightstand and hand it to him.  I’ll need really strong coffee before I head to work in a few hours.  After a swig of the sports drink he says, “I’m ‘fraid I failed ya.  Not leavin’ ya much when I’m gone.  Nothin’s left really.  But, most of all, I never helped ya find out who ya are.  There’s always been somethin’ dif’rent ‘bout ya.  Yer not fer this world.  Maybe ‘cause of that I wasn’t da right person ta teach ya.  I’m sorry.”

“Okay Granpa, nothin’ ta apologize fer.”  I gently push his shoulders toward the pillow and get him ready to sleep.  “Don’t worry.  I’ll be fine.”

“I sure hope so.”    

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